Guilty

I am feeling a lot of Mom Guilt this week.

Emily is gone for the week, and I'm so happy to have the piano all to myself. [guilt, guilt.]

I don't have to have an early morning consultation each day about who gets to practice when.

I just get to practice whenever I want. Whenever I don't have a student. Whenever I feeeeeeel like playing.

[guilt, guilt.]

A good mom would be happy to share her piano.

A good mom would take delight in her child's passion, discipline and drive toward success.

[guilt, guilt.]

I really do take delight in all those things. And, I wish I could have my piano all to myself, at my beck and call, and not have to share.

[guilt, guilt]

Em's got access to a piano where she is.

[happy, happy.]

A host of different things...

After being sick all through spring break, I'm finally on the mend. The last few days I've been really excited about college this fall, which is weird, because for a long time I was dreading it. There's something about the never ending winter that's made me want to push the fastforward button and be in late August so I can start at Concordia-Moorhead. I found out this week about my financial aid package (not too shabby) and what dorm I'll be in (the one connected to the music building!)

In other news, I'm

*trying to compose more music, trying to sort the good stuff from the crap (which is harder than it sounds), and actually finish something.

*on the lookout for summer jobs nearby. Blah. Figuring out a plan if I need to wing it. (I'm an expert weed puller/yard worker and house sitter)

*Trying to be all Buddha-like and live in the moment. Ha! Let's see how that works.

*Bracing for the ickiness that is the spring thaw. I like spring, just not the melting snow mixed with dog poop and worm smell that lasts for a couple weeks prior.

*Playing Bach's Invention in C minor. Playing anything by Bach is like broccoli--it's good for you and it helps you to be well balanced. The Inventions are super yummy and the C minor is really fun to play, what with the interweaving voices everywhere.

*Thinking about taking violin lessons this summer. I've been teaching myself for 2 years, and I'm at the point where I'm wonderfully average, but I'd like to seek some professional help so I don't hurt myself (literally). I never thought I'd like Bach so much, but the stuff he wrote for violin has been really inspiring me to practice so that one day I can play some great work of his! I don't plan to become the next Joshua Bell, but I'd like to learn enough to play some decent chamber and fiddle music for sure.

*Really wanting to travel. Anywhere. I'm going a little stir-crazy.

The Week

Mondays are weird for me. After taking the weekend off from things like practicing, using the internet, where I essentially veg in my room listening to NPR from the beginning of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" to the end of "Splendid Table," this routine of laziness makes productivity on Mondays pretty slow goin'. I don't exactly feel like I get the hang of things til Tuesday. Now it's Wednesday, and I got a list of things to do, and they will get done, no matter how many times I try to make excuses! Wish me luck.

I'm really not doing a good job of keeping this blog a regular thing, but I'll keep trying!
I like to read a lot of books about how to write, hoping they'll inspire me or give me the one secret that will write a novel for me. But then I remember that writing is not supposed to be done in a matter of seconds. Not good writing, anyways. Everything you've got is supposed to be invested in it, and to hell with other people. I try to take that attitude, but when I finish what I write, be it a blog post, journal entry or a song, lots of times I find myself second guessing it. The trick is to find out whether you're second guessing because you want people to like your hard work, which is actually quite good, or because you actually really suck. (How's that for a profound quote.)

The task of writing itself is so simple. Hold pencil in hand, apply pressure to paper, repeat. That fools me into thinking writing stories or articles is just as simple. But if I know anything, I know how to practice. This blog has been helping me practice, and I appreciate any feeback I get, good or bad. I'm sturdy like a lobster and can take anything you throw at me. (yes, I'm quoting "Lilo and Stitch!)

Now, for something that seems random but really isn't. My favorite author is Neil Gaiman and my favorite PBS kids show is "Arthur." If I ever become a category on Jeopardy, you will be glad to know this. And do you know what happened? A few months ago, Neil Gaiman made a guest appearance on "Arthur," in an episode called "Falafelosophy," and I was flipping out. Cartoon Neil was giving advice to the character Sue Ellen, who was trying to find her "Inner Neil" and write a graphic novel. I found it extremely funny and encouraging. So, watch it, enjoy, and hopefully, write.

Beyond Avoidance: What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I've been struggling with these reverb10 writing prompts. Seemed like a fun idea when I started, but either I'm overwhelmed by my schedule, or too tired to write, or the prompts feel too personal to put on a blog, of all places.

But this one's easy.

What I should have done this year was practice organ.

For a couple years, my church has been working toward the goal of building a pipe organ for our sanctuary, to replace the old electronic organ that is held together by twine and spit, has all kinds of surprises each week for the organist and congregation. In this last year, the forces in the benevolent universe that govern such things began to align, and I knew we were going to get our organ someday soon.

And as choir accompanist, I know that when we have a decent instrument, our choir director will be selecting more anthems accompanied by organ. I better get prepared to play.

I've had some little training on the organ, and I can do it if I have to, given plenty of preparation time and some help deciding on which stops to use.

But I feel so gangly and uncoordinated at the organ. There's the feet to get moving, there's no damper pedal to help connect big reaches from chord to chord, there's the difference in touch at the keyboard, there's the issue of reading three staves or rearranging the voicing between the hands. All stuff that makes me feel awkward.

And then there's the big, big sound that comes out.

I don't have the experience yet to judge how the sound I hear at the console sounds to the rest of the room. Sometimes I'm too loud and don't know it, often too soft.

So all of this makes organ playing tops on my avoidance list. I suppose you could call it living in denial, knowing that the organ was coming and knowing I would occasionally be called on to play it and still not preparing. I had chances. I thought about taking lessons again a few years ago. And last spring, after playing organ for some choir anthem, the director encouraged me to play any little thing over the summer--some Bach for a random Sunday prelude, or some quiet stuff for offertory--just to increase my comfort level. But I didn't do it.

I have a couple pieces I always come back to when I do play organ. Bach, Franck. I like them well enough and can get them up to competent if not great.

So will I practice organ in 2011?

Probably. Maybe. If I have to. We'll see.